How do you manage your internal dialogue?

What is internal dialogue and why does it matter so much?

It is the voice we use to talk to ourselves: a continuous flow of thoughts, comments, judgements and instructions that accompanies almost every moment of the day. No one else hears it, yet it directs attention, meaning and action. Sometimes it supports and motivates us; at other times it criticises us, demotivates us and holds us back. It matters because we do not react to reality but to what we tell ourselves about reality and about ourselves: we often suffer more from our inner commentary on what happens than from what actually happens. And it is not only what we say to ourselves that counts, but how we say it: the same words, said with urgency or sarcasm, create one state; said calmly, they create another. I write about it at greater length on the page Internal dialogue.

Where does the critical voice come from?

It is almost never there to hurt us. It often has a good origin: it formed at some point in the past, with a useful function, to protect us from pain, judgement or failure. The problem is not the intention but the strategy: that voice has not been updated and keeps looking at a new life through old lenses. Not all the voices are really ours, either. Listening carefully, I realised that some sentences had the voice of people dear to me, or of conversations overheard by chance, which had left me with judgement, limits or distrust. And there is a reason they repeat: the brain automates what we repeat, to save energy. Internal dialogue does not start from scratch every time: it is a habit, and like all habits, if we do not change it, it repeats itself.

How do you manage negative internal dialogue?

The first step is to notice it. Just stop for a moment and listen to what you are telling yourself, and in what tone: the moment you recognise that voice, you are no longer inside it, you are observing it. We are not that voice: we are the one who listens to it, and that is why we can choose how to respond. The second step is not to negotiate with it. Asking whether it is right gives it room, and the more room it takes, the more it limits you. It is more useful to ask: does this serve me or not? If it does not, it should be interrupted and redirected, not fought. You can even answer it, not with anger but with direction: “Thanks for your concern. I'm driving now.” Then you replace the sentence with a more useful and believable one: “I always get it wrong” becomes “I made a mistake: what can I learn from it?”. Repeated over time, this work changes internal dialogue in the same way it was formed: one sentence at a time.

Which books should you read on internal dialogue?

On internal dialogue the NLP literature is thinner than you might think, and many recommendations end up on books about mindfulness or psychology. Within NLP, the starting point is still Richard Bandler: in Using Your Brain for a Change he shows how to change the effect of an inner voice by working on tone, speed, volume and position, that is, on submodalities. Sleight of Mouth by Robert Dilts shows how language, including the language we use with ourselves, changes the meaning of what we experience. Outside NLP, Chatter by Ethan Kross, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, gathers the research on what he calls “the voice in our head”. Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn helps train the observation of thoughts without judgement. In Volume I of The Invisible Blade, internal dialogue has a whole chapter, with the techniques and the exercise for rewriting limiting sentences.

When is internal dialogue not something to handle on your own?

When the critical voice is no longer a habit to change but the sign of real suffering. If self-criticism is constant and pervasive, if negative thoughts repeat relentlessly and affect sleep, work or relationships, if thoughts of harming yourself appear, or if you hear voices you do not recognise as your own thoughts, the right step is to see a doctor, a psychologist or a psychotherapist, and in urgent cases to call 112 in Europe or your local emergency number. These are clinical situations that NLP, as I present it, does not address: they remain the exclusive competence of qualified professionals. The tools on this page are for people who are well and want to learn to talk to themselves better, not a substitute for treatment.